Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Brighton Kevin: 11 Months

Dearest Brighton,

As I sit here writing this monthly note, I have such a heavy heart. There are so many things that have happened in the last month. Some heart wrenching, forever changing events that have rocked our family. The baby brother/sister that I was carrying in my belly went to be in Heaven. This has made mommy very sad. Very sad for many reasons. One night as I was lying in bed crying, I had a horrible thought. I thought back to when I was pregnant with you and not once but twice believed that I was having a miscarriage due to abnormal bleeding. And I thought what if I had miscarried you and never had to chance to meet the sweet boy in all the land, YOU, Brighton Kevin. What if I lost you and your adorable smile. What if I never got to kiss your sweet face or feel your little arms hug my neck. What if I never got to hear your big squeal or your giggle when I tickle you. What if I never got to see the joy that you bring to Adelaide & Aspen and the joy that they bring to you. That night I could not stop the weeping. Because, son, I could never imagine my life without you.

Over the last six weeks, you have battled your own health concerns. You are not sick- visually. Yet your white blood cell count has been elevated for far too long. Blood work after blood work has shown continued high counts yet negative results for any virus. I wish you had a fever. I wish you had a cold so that it would explain your body fighting an infection. It would give us answers. Instead we are awaiting results from our visit at the Hematologist & Oncologist. The whirlwind of emotions and possibilities is overwhelming. I know the worst case scenario. I am not a doctor but I do know basic science. I can operate google and I can read. And I hate that I can read right now. I hate the possibilities that are looming. I am doing my best to raise this up to God, but as a mother I am struggling with completely doing it.

The shining light through everything is the smile on your face from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. You have this flirty little way of laying your head on my shoulder and giggling. You are an escape artist and have a sixth sense for any open door. You make a bee line for your siblings and as they dart up and down the hallways you are fiercely crawling after them. You wiggle and wobble to them as quickly as you can. You splish and you splash in the pool attempting to climb out of your baby float. And you are loving the doggie cages and doggie water bowls around Mimi's house. I often catch you in the cage or splashing in the water bowl when we forget to put it up.

You weather the storm, baby Brighton. You live life with such grace and ease. You bring a certain kind of joy to those around you. Its contagious and I feel so blessed and proud to be your mommy. I know whatever we are dealt in this life that we will face together. You are such a strong, strong boy. Though you be but little you are mighty.

I love you!



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