I never took pin to paper on the type of mother I wanted to be. I didn't have some grand plan on how benign a mom would go. I didn't have specific aspirations or dreams for my kids. In my heart, I've wanted them to be kind and empathetic. To play sports to help facilitate teamwork and accountability. I always knew I wanted them to be happy. To look back and see their childhood as joyous. To have them remember experiences rather than things and to have the support of an extended family. Aside from Ryan & I, I wanted them to have my parents, siblings/their spouses, and nieces/nephews to lean on and love & be loved by.
But I didn't have a manual for how to do all of those things. I just kept being myself and reminding myself of my mind & heart. Of who I am and how I was raised. I read articles and educated myself on the challenges of motherhood. Somewhere along the way, I began to raise my voice. Then I began to yell. At first it wasn't all the time, but slowly I could feel myself losing control of how elevated my voice would become when the kids weren't listening. Which started to feel like all the time!
A mixture of mom guilt followed by reassurance that this was the way to get their attention and then usually tears for my helplessness was a constant cycle. I kept telling myself that I could not continue this way. That we could not operate like this. That there had to be a better way.
So on the Tuesday night, eve before Ash Wednesday, I knew what I needed to give up/change/work on for Lent. I would not yell at my kids. I would not raise my voice at them. I would change the way we all operated and communicated.
We are two weeks into this Lenten season and I am incredibly proud of myself for my commitment to my promise. It was 11 days before I raised my voice at the kids. And when I did it, it was short lived and they got the message. Which is in essence how raising your voice should work (not often, brief, yet attention getting and helpful).
I have been conscious of my tone and my blood pressure rising. I have given myself timeouts and walked away from them in the house if needed. I have given my children grace which is something that I lost awhile back.
It certainly is not easy. There are 4 of them and 1 of me. They are loud in general so I used that as an excuse often to why I needed to be louder and yell more. But I do hope and pray that I am changing the dynamic with how we communicate as mother & children. I pray that my Lenten promise becomes our way of life and not just a 40 day challenge.
