I am on week 3 of my women's bible study. I had been looking for one ever since I left San Diego in 2009 with no luck. The first Sunday I tried out Notre Dame Victoires their bulletin was like a flashing red light as my eye caught this:
Women's Bible Study, Thursday mornings 9am.
Due to the flu going around the city like lice on middle schoolers, the class was cancelled for the next 2 weeks so I started attending 3 weeks ago. They are a lovely group of women ranging in ages of early 30's to their 70's and a wealth of knowledge when it comes to the Catholic church, biblical teachings, San Francisco history, and all things family. With welcoming arms, they accepted me in the group and have reached out several times to see how I am adjusting to city life and making way with the new church.
If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be attending a women's bible study, I would have politely declined the possibility. Not because I didn't believe in God or because I didn't want to have a stronger relationship with Him, but because it just wasn't the time for me. I was battling so many things inside my heart and my mind so much to where I was rather angry with the Lord. Let's just say I have come along way since that time.
So when one of the group members was reflecting on our questions for
self-reflection last week, it took me back to a glimpse of how I used to be and allowed me to see how far I had come. My dear woman friend confessed her struggle with being outwardly Christian and broaching the topic with family and friends. She referenced her son's birthday party where her mom sat down and had the whole group bless the meal before they ate. She went on to explain how this turned into a major fight because she was afraid that her mother had offended guests who might not be of practicing faith. Her mother was offended that her daughter would be ashamed to show her faith. In the end, my group member explained that she was embarrassed to be embarrassed basically. She followed up by pointing out my cross, saying how brave and noble it was for a young person to be fearless in displaying her beliefs so openly.
I felt like I needed to tell her that it wasn't always that way, that I didn't always feel comfortable openly sharing my faith. I started with the tidbit that I got the cross from Ryan as a confirmation gift. I probably would have never bought myself one as I am not in the business of buying things for myself. My money goes to buying things for Bishop, soon-to-be born Collins, Ryan, Kinlee, little Shane, my parents, The Thompsons, our siblings, and my besties
(basically anyone but me). But what I shared second was the most important part. For so long, I was always afraid to express my faith and belief in the Lord, not because I was ashamed but because I was
scared. I was fearful that those who knew me during a less flattering time, those who knew my sins and bad habits, those who knew my mistakes in unhealthy relationships or with substances would judge and call me a phony. I was terrified to rejoice in the fact that I was finally able to get to a point in my life where I was comfortable saying,
"God, I am giving you control; the control to do what great plans you have for me. And I will make many more mistakes to come certainly, but I will have you in my heart and in my thoughts. I will strive for faithfulness in You and Your will, and I understand that perfection is not the objective rather faith."
I think we all struggle with judging ourselves, fearing the judgement of others, and still being able to believe in the person we are. But when you cut away all of the BS, you realize that there is only one God who judges.
And then you realize that He isn't judging at all.
